Summer time is special. It is so much more to me than time off from work and time at the pool. Summer is when I get to be a mom. The stay at home kind of mom, who is there when you wake up and fixes lunch and drives you to camp. I get to have a different relationship with Nathanial.
This summer I knew that I would have to spend some time teaching Nathanial things, or should I say, teaching him how to do things. Mainly, I want him to be able to accomplish little tasks without me, like picking up toys, getting a drink from the refrigerator, put his shoes on the right feet, that sort of thing. I try to show appreciation whenever he does something right, but when I correct bad behavior, things get a a little heated.
Sometime last week, Nathanial told me that I was being a big mean bully. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what he said this about specifically, but I'm sure I was asking him to do something or threatening a consequence if he chose to do the opposite. And thus, I'm a big, mean bully.
Today, though, his words changed. He didn't stick with "You're a big, mean bully," but rather "you're a bad mother."
The morning started off rough, and without going into detail, Nathanial and I left late for church leaving Lee behind to clean up a big mess. Long story. Anyway, we got to church late and sat near family friends. Nathanial is the same age as one of the boys in this family and they were enjoying church time together. Nathanial was getting rowdy and being louder than I wanted him to be in church, and I felt like I was calling him down more than worshiping. Then, it was time for communion. During communion, younger children are scheduled to be Paten bearers, and they carry the bread plate for the pastor. Today, it was the other boys turn.
Nathanial had a freak out moment. He started sobbing and saying that he wanted to do that job. I was the very first person in line to take communion, so I went, with him sobbing to the front of the church. He was crying uncontrollably. Once I had ingested communion, I took him back to the cry room and we had a conversation. I set him on a chair for time out and we talked about sharing, and such.
We managed to make it through the last chorus of the last song, then I snatched him up and we were out. I wouldn't let him play on my iPhone for how he behaved a church. That's when he shared that he hated how I put him in time-out all of the time and how I "spy" on him all of the time. I'm not sure what he's talking about in regards to the spying. He said I was spying on him during church, and I assured him that he made himself very much seen and heard during church.
It wasn't until he got home that he said the words "you're a bad mother." We came home. I had already alerted Lee that Nathanial had a tough time at church, and so he questioned Nathanial about it when we arrived. I explained two things to him: 1. If he couldn't share the job of Paten bearer, he would come off of the schedule and 2. If he couldn't behave sitting near his friend, we wouldn't continue sitting near them. That's when he said "You're a bad mother." Lee handled it from there, thank God, because I was a mess. The words cut deep, deeper than I could have imagined. He's four. Of course I know that he is four, but man the comment hurt.
We have since made up and I do not expect to hear him say those words again, at least not in the near future. I try to do the best by him. I really do. I'm a human. I am not perfect. Sometimes I'm impatient, and I know that I have high expectations. But I wouldn't have high expectations of him if I did not think that he could reach them.
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