This morning I took Nathanial to the doctor. I thought it was another ear infection. Excitingly, it was not. Just a head cold and some serious teething. He is currently 45 minutes into his morning nap and resting well as far as I could tell. Doctor told me to keep ibuprofen in him for the teething and to watch his fever. Yes. He has a fever.
This comes on the tail of a couple of weeks of hell for my poor baby boy. Two weeks ago, he suffered from a tummy bug, an ear infection and teething. This past week, he fell of off the changing table (Yes world, this is the 3rd time he has fallen off of something), he experienced electro-stimulation at therapy, received his flu shot and survived his second EMG.
Sigh.
They tell me with a baby it is always something. My problem is that I take things so personally and I allow my psyche to be affected by things in a very intense way. When he fell off of the changing table, I could not believe it. This is what happened: Nathanial had just had his bath. Lee was in the rocking chair in his room waiting for me to get Nathanial clothed so that he could read him a couple of books and give him his nightly bottle. I checked Nathanial's ears with this ear monitor that we spent too much money on at Wal-Mart. Then, I checked my own for effect and Lee said, "Here, check mine." I turned and put the thing in his ear and BAM! Nathanial was on the floor.
I was not even 6 inches from him and he managed to roll and fall a good 3.5 feet onto the ground. I scooped up my screaming son and held him close to me while Lee went to get ice in a washcloth to work on the swelling of the pretty good sized knots on his head. I continued to hold the washcloth to his head while Lee called the doctor.
Nathanial was pretty upset, as could be expected, but within about 5 minutes, he was playing and crawling around. His eyes dilated fine. His soft spot did not sink in. He didn't throw up or fall asleep immediately. So, we gave him his bottle and put him to bed, as the doctor recommended.
Then, I had a nervous breakdown. Perhaps it wasn't a "true" nervous breakdown, but I lost it. I went from generally mopey and quiet, to feeling like my family would be better off if I wasn't around. I cried and I cried and I cried. I had a panic attack and Lee tried to get me to breath with him. I tried. Then I cried some more.
We woke him before we went to bed and then again at 2:00 am to make sure he didn't have a concussion. He was fine, though he has a bruise on his cheek that won't go away.
I feel like I'm in need of an emotional and mental rearranging. When my son falls or has to endure painful testing, I take it personal and internalize it and make it all about me and how horrible it feels. Somehow, I have to ditch my selfishness. I have to ditch this self-absorbedness for the sake of my husband and my son, and yes, myself.
The truth is, the world does not revolve around me. When my son falls, I need to keep it together and be able to pick him up and comfort him. When my husband is stressed, I need to be there to tell him it's okay. I don't know how to adopt a servants heart.
Any help you can give would be much appreciated...
1 comment:
Isn't it funny how the things that make you a fabulous mother are also the things that stress you out the most? Someone told me when we got married that the things we fought about at the beginning would probably be the same things we fought about 25 years from now :) I think the same might be true with self-improvement. Don't be so hard on yourself (and you know that's not a new thing!) when you can only take things and work on them one day at a time. You will probably never ditch the fact that you care so much about your family and how you can best take care of them -I'd be very worried if you did! You can only take things as they come. Some days will be in moderation, some days won't. But I don't think we'll *ever* have to worry about Nathanial not being taken care of to the very, very best that you can. And those days that you feel your best isn't enough? That's why Lee is there - you dobn't have to do it alone. The days when he's not enough? Neither of you are on the hook to be perfect, which is why we're Christians - we know we need Someone who is perfect because we aren't. Good luck with keeping up with both of the boys this week :) Love, Heidi
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