Baby #2

No world, I am not expecting. Mom, please breathe a sigh of relief.

I am writing this blog full of fear, anxiety, and yet, I am also hopeful. I've been thinking about this blog for a long time, but I have waited for the appropriate time to write it. Last night, I held a little bundle. A little girl bundle who was so precious. In fact, because I don't want to post her name without her mama's permission, we'll just call her Precious!

Born 8 weeks early, Precious is now 4 months old but closer in size to a 2 month old and she's absolutely beautiful. It's amazing how different a newer baby feels than a 10-month old. They even smell different. Our one-year-old friend, we'll call him, Mr. J, was also there with his mom and dad.

Both of us, Mama J. and myself, were excited to hold the little one. So warm. So cuddly. So cute in her little dress and tights.

"I don't know, Lee," I said at one point, "We may have to reconsider this 2nd baby thing."

Perhaps I should interject into the story here where Lee and I are on the idea of another baby. We go back and forth on a regular basis. Both of us do. Sometimes, I can't imagine not ever being pregnant again and feeling little feet kick my ribs. It was annoying at the time, but it is so special. On the other hand, I look back at the birth and think I could NEVER do that again and be perfectly okay. Lee, being the practical one of the two of us, tends to be much more logical about it, although I know he waivers on it too. Regardless of what we want, right now we simply can't afford it.

All of that being said, that isn't what this blog is about. Mama J. said something to me that really struck me and left me questioning just how much the birthing process and Nathanial's injury has affected my perception of pregnancy and childbirth. She said, "Just forget the past. Don't think about it."

Wow. It was simple, but it was a moment for me. The truth is, the experience does haunt me and sometimes I relive it every time we go to OT. I feel like I was given one task: to provide a warm, healthy place for the baby to grow in my belly and to deliver him safely. I feel like I a failed him, and I don't want to mess up again.

I'm so grateful for him and so thankful that he is getting better, but I'm still full of shoulda, woulda, couldas and it dramatically impacts the way I view the future. Will we have more children? Time will tell. Right now, I just want to focus on being the best Mom I can to Nathanial.