Practically Perfect in Every Way

I realized that my post the other evening titled “Raw,” was perhaps a bit too raw. But, at the time, it was very, very real. I have been for the past couple of weeks extremely volatile with my emotions. I have been angry. I have been bitter. In the past days, I have lashed out at those around me. I have cried rivers and hyperventilated and crumpled into panic attacks. I know what you may be asking yourself. What happened? Episodes of panic and depression for me do not require a “cause.” They just tend to happen.

I’ve found myself feeling frustrated with my life. I have found myself questioning decisions and even whether or not God has my best interest at heart. Why, for example, was Nathanial injured at birth? He was traumatized and continues to be with every EMG. I was traumatized and continue to be every time I think about how things could have been different. It is something that has affected our entire lives. We’re carrying more debt load than we need to be or would be given different circumstances. We’re stressed financially. Quite a bit of the “quality time” we spend as a family is spent either in physical therapy or a doctor’s appointment. It’s just a bit overwhelming and I am finding myself stumbling on the “why me” block.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am extremely aware of how ridiculously blessed I am. I have a roof over my head. I am warm and fed. I snuggle up at night with a husband who loves me. And my baby’s smile, well, it takes my breath away sometimes. My life is amazing and so I feel guilty for asking why it isn’t just perfect. Just exactly the way I want it to be. This is how I struggle:

A. I want to help bring income into my home to help with the financial stress.
B. I want to be home raising my baby.
C. I want my baby’s arm to be well.
D. I want my home to be as clean as it can be most all of the time.
E. I want my husband and I to have a fulfilling relationship.
F. I want to be active in my church, but actually enjoy my church.
G. I want friends.
H. I want to laugh.
I. I want to run and to be physically fit.
J. I want my life to be perfectly and exactly how I want it to be.

I am very aware of the selfish and controlling nature of this post. I am aware that I’m not giving others a lot of room to budge nor following LAST year’s New Year’s resolution to “Let go and let God.” I want to have my cake and eat it too. Actually, I want to grow the ingredients for the cake, process them, bake the cake, clean up after baking the cake, eat it, share it with my husband and son, enjoy it and not gain any weight for eating it. I just want my life to be practically perfect in every way. Is that too much to ask for?