Surviving Postpartum Depression

I love my baby with all of my heart, but it wasn't until recently that I truly fell in love with my baby. Now, I know that sounds horrible, but I can honestly say that postpartum depression and the devil himself sucked the joy right out of the first 6 to 8 weeks of my baby's life. Why was I depressed? After all, I have a wonderful husband, a job that I can easily balance with motherhood, and a new, beautiful baby boy. But the waves of guilt crashed on top of me over and over and over again, from the first moment that I held my little boy in my arms while he was hooked up to all sorts of machines until God turned me around to see the truth.





Here is what I was up against:

• I had ridiculous expectations of what childbirth was going to be. I imagined that I would start by having contractions and my husband and I would handle the pain until I couldn't anymore. Then, my doula would come to my house and help me until the pain got too bad or my water broke. Then we would go and within 4 hours of labor, my baby Nathanial would make it in to this world. All of you know what actually happened. 18 hours of labor, Pitocin, failed epidural, stadol, vacuum, episiotomy, third degree tears and a baby injured in childbirth.


• Breastfeeding did not go well for Nathanial and me. Within the first four weeks I had 2 mastitis infections and determined not to breastfeed. Then, I changed my mind, re lactated and developed a yeast infection in both breasts. I felt guilty and that I was truly a horrible mom because I could not breastfeed. I told myself that his arm would not heal because I wasn't breastfeeding. Crazy, no?


• I had unrealistic expectations of what I should have been able to accomplish after birth and with a newborn. I like a clean house and I want to clean my house myself. I didn't appreciate the fact that I was anemic, I had lacerations on my bottom, I was spending calories left and right breastfeeding, and I was sleep deprived. And I felt awful for not being able to keep my house clean.


• The health problems continue with me today and I take supplements and eat as little sugar as I can stand to help rid my body of this systemic yeast.

How did I know I was depressed? I cried. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I cried in the shower. I cried while I held my baby. I cried while I breastfed. One night in the shower, I was so upset and with the bar of soap I started wailing on my right leg. I had emotionally beat myself up and allowed a physical manifestation of that to take place. I had bruises for quite some time.

When my baby was about five weeks old, I finally broke down and told my husband I needed help. I started by visiting the midwife who delievered my baby. I wanted to know exactly what happened. She took her time with me and explained it to me I guess in the best way she could. She then referred me to a therapist who I still see occasionally today. After several weeks of seeing the therapist, I decided to ask about anti-depressants and I am now on Zoloft.

The BIGGEST change came in my relationship with God, which my therapist helped me with quite a bit. With her help during my sessions, I have been able to find the time to spend peaceful alone time in prayer and in the Bible.

I'm so grateful for that. Today I am feeling better physically, mentally and emotionally and I am enjoying my baby. Postpartum depresion is a real happening that can steal precious moments from mom's and baby's. I believe that this is even more catostrophic when there has been a traumatic birth. If you feel that you are experiencing this, do not wait another day. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Call your OB, seek therapy, consider medication and take time for quiet time with your spirit. If you don't know Jesus, just give him a chance. There is such peace and joy and love in Him.