As I sit writing I feel that deep, shooting pain that comes with the let down reflex when you have a yeast infection in your milk ducts. That’s right. I have a yeast infection in my milk ducts. This is following two bacterial mastitis infections and two rounds of antibiotics. Keep in mind, my child is only 9 weeks old. Since he has been born, I have had few days where both I and my breasts were well. In regards to preventative measures, I felt like I was on the right path. Then, I noticed my right breast was somewhat sore. Then, the chills started. I’ve never been so cold in my life! I felt like ice on the inside! I took a hot shower, snuggled into a hot robe, drank a cup of hot tea and was still cold! I suspected I had a breast infection, and I was right. I spiked a fever of 102.8. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fever so high. So, I decided to get it cleared up, continue to pump and to nurse, and all was well…
…until only a few days after I finished taking my antibiotics I began to feel pain in my right arm all the way up into my arm pit. Mastitis infection #2. Antibiotics, take two. After this round of antibiotics combined with the approaching return to work, I decided to give up breastfeeding for good. I decreased the amount of time I pumped and did not nurse at all. While I felt remorse, disappointment, and yes guilt over the decision, I knew I couldn’t take another round of antibiotics, and, well, neither could he.
After about a week of full formula (we had been supplementing a bit), my little boys was having the worst time going to the bathroom. And I knew it was the formula and I knew he needed my breastmilk again. So, I decided to relactate. A decision my husband was as comfortable with as I was.
[A little bit of background. My son endured shoulder dystocia when he was born and entered the world with no heartbeat and not breathing. Though I pumped and tried nursing in the NICU, we were separated and my milk did not truly come in until we were both home. I have horribly little, flat nipples and the lactation consultant who met with me the first time in the hospital recommended a nipple shield. What I didn’t know is that nipple shields are not meant to be used all of the time. They can trap in germs, rub the nipples raw and keep the baby from efficiently emptying the breast. I used them and believe fully that they hindered my success. Moving on…]
So I researched relactation and knew what the process would entail. Pump and nurse as often as I could. I decided to take the process easy due to my previous bouts of mastitis and not build up too big of a supply too quickly. I did nurse, although this time I refused to use the shields and the baby did just fine without them. I also pumped, even at work and began to see an increase slowly but surely. Then, new pains started to arise. My nipples became somewhat scabby and when he would eat they would have a whitish look to them. I knew something was wrong when my letdown changed from the normal pins and needles feeling to the equivalent of labor pain in my chest. Yes, it hurts that bad when my milk lets down.So that is where I am at now. I’m taking Diflucan and treating the baby with Nystatin in case he too has an oral yeast population. Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide what to do. This is what I have realized: I have to choose what is right for both my baby AND myself. I would put his health ahead of mine any day, but at the end of the day, nutrition is part of what Mommies are supposed to provide, but that is certainly not all. When I hurt and feel sick, I find myself being a more remote mother who doesn’t necessarily want to be close to her baby. And that is sad. I do want to give these medicines time to work and continue if I feel well again. However, I don’t want to look back at my baby’s first few months and hate myself for being such a miserable, sad and depressed Mommy. It seems for me that this decision has become bigger than deciding whether or not to have a baby in the first place. That’s how important it is to me. I just want to get it right. Right for him. Right for me. Right for my family. For those of you for whom nursing is easy and natural, enjoy it, relish in it, and praise God every day for it; because for those of us who struggle, it’s a hard, painful, overwhelming fight that makes you feel completely inadequate.
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